The

Splash

Too many of these stories are true
MCC International

Phone +44 208 541 582

Edited by:

Helena Handcart

0208 541 5825

 

Terms and conditions of use.

To advertise in the UK Email us

To advertise in Asia news stories: Subscribe/unsubscribe here.

Headlines

Japanese invent a way to get gas from raw cotton. They're going to burn all our natural fibres. Does this mean we're all going to be forced to wear nylon? Has the world gone chav?

 

THEATRE

West Side Tory: Ben Elton - The Musical opens

Smarmy mockney Ben Elton is hoist by his own petard by a satire on the showbiz phoney

BUSINESS

The new automated discrimination system that could revolutionise business

Scientists invent an intelligent carpet that can judge your weight, age and sex. Now you can fail an interview without having to make a first impression

PERSONAL

Tessa dumped her hubby for political expediency:

She asks....how long should I wait before it's safe to take him back?

Shock as top cop demands chop for copper toppers

Police baffled as headline completely oversells story

 

Hurry up and take your time, says brand guru
Read Blue Sky Bertie, who is tipped to be an even bigger 'character' than Trevor Beattie

 

Why everyone's leaving college and getting their first jobs on newspapers

Charlotte Marxist-Richdad, the brilliant new Grauniad columnist, reports on a startling new social trend that's sweeping Britain

 

Have we got it all wrong about the provinces?

When a man at a dinner party told her parts of South London were quite nice, social commentater Stupy De Gunt discovered an amazing new trend: people are actually living happy, civilised liberal minded lives, outside of North London.

An alibi here, a signature there, and pretty soon you can forget about your financial responsibilities with the amazing new financial product, the TESSA.

Terms and conditions apply: Cabinet Ministers only

The worst lady of Fleet Street, Stupy De Gunt, begins a hard hitting column

 

FOOTBALL: Magnificent England are world beaters

Sports editor Dick Menace is over the moon about England's chances in Germany this June

Read Dick Menace's previous columns below

You watch, they'll get slaughtered tonight, writes Dick Menace, the man who knows the stars

Tuesday March 1st

England were lucky to win the world cup once, and the whole country stinks, says Dick Menace, the man who tells it like it is,

The so called 'Team of the Ice Age' are looking pretty silly now aren't they? What an over hyped bunch of cloggers.

Monday Feb 28th

Everything about us is second rate, our technique is abysmal, the kids are all stupid, old people are racists, the weather is awful, and there's nothing on telly

Sunday, February 27, 2006

England, the team of the Ice Age? Don't make me laugh

Dick Menace on England's new kids and their failure to break down a stubborn Brazilian defence last night in a disappointing nil nil draw

Sunday february 27, 2006

Dick Menace raves pver England's exciting new crop of young players ahead of tonights game with Brazil and dubs them "The team of the Ice Age"!

Saturday 26 February 2006,

LETTERS

That's exactly the sort of thing my husband would do! my wife told woman at party

I wouldn't mind, but she was talking to Mary Archer!

HEALTH REPORT

Britain's shame

The NHS death camps where thousands of pensioners are exterminated every week, while Parliament endlessly debates rights for foxes

FEATURE

What to wear at this summer's water riots

The emergency stand-pipe will be the place to see and be seen this summer. But what do you wear to these places? Should we dress for combat? What colours and fabrics produce a look that says "hey, that's my water!"

For many of us, dealing with the CEO of Thames Water will be our first lynching. Stringing up the fat cat, may be a no-brainer, but the event will present some difficult wardrobe decisions.

 

Drug dealer is caged

Police and customs swoop after fiend openly trades drugs in pounds and ounces

News: Get a Child seat or we'll see you in court

Unprotected car seats violate tiny car thiefs human rights, warns Cherie Bliar

Shocking number of people want Cherie Law in UK
Controversial author of Who Do You Sue? has millions of devotees, according to survey

Study reveals that humans with no empathy or guilt enjoy the most success in corporations

Read our serialisation of Get in Touch with Your Inner Psycopath, the business bible that's breaking all the rules. And burying them in the woods.

Ferrari stalls on dumping question

Cheeky chubby DJ fudges the issue of Liberal MP Mark Oaten's bedroom habits

 

The Internet gives you thrombosis, says new study
Desk jockeys risk death from numb bum related deep vein thrombosis

 

Michael Jackson rushed to Walmart

He heard that boy's pants were half off

Dick charged with hacking and illegal wiretapping
Targeted Hollywood’s rich and famous

Why do spankers make the best legislators?

As a new survey of hooker's clients proves fetishists are mostly lawyers, MPs or high ranking civil

Harry Potter and the Golden Shower

Link between high achievers and perversion starts a boom in kinky books among pushy middle class parents

Should every issue be put in context by reference to celebrities?

Hell no, says Bubble from Big Brother 2. Yes, we should, George Michael tells Tony Blair

Never mind sustainable transport, let's have some sustainable policies
Columnist Helena Handcart speaks up for middle England

Africa

Snubbed by the Ubungme government, Geldof welcomes the incoming M'Bezzla administration,

Demands "Give them your fooking money".

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Has the Daily Mail swung too far to the left?

Uncorruptable left wing comic John Fortune accepts money to be the new voice of the Daily Mail. Surely he's too principled to sell out. Then again, he has done McDonalds adverts in the past

Politics

Comparing Ken Livingstone to Stalin deemed offensive

Evening Standard called on to apologise to the relatives of 20 million victims of tyrants murerous regime
I still have some standards, he insists, as he refuses to run for Liberal Leadership battle too
Column Why smokers pay the most tax

 

 

Vibrance

Vibrance Cream: come again?


Advert

TODAYS HEALTH SCARES

1. HN51

2. eBola